not all those who wander are lost (je révais réalité)
by Sociially-Diisoriiented
Summary: Lily Luna just wants to be her own person, but how can she differentiate who she is when she shares the same name with the identity she's trying so hard to break away from? Branded an outcast and an attention-seeker, Lily finally meets a group who understands how she thinks. And all they want in return is her loyalty and an assurance she'll keep their secrets to herself.
1. Chapter 1

**[Author's Note]** This story was written for **autumn midnights** as part of the Gift Giving Extravaganza, for the month of March! I hope you like it, and I hope to get the entire fic done by the end of the month (crossing my fingers).

**Pairings:** I don't want to spoil too much, but there will be some romance involved in the fic, featuring Lily Luna with two different characters - an OC and Scorpius Malfoy. I'm not going to reveal anything about the extent of the romance with either characters...you'll just have to read and find out for yourselves ;)  
**Warnings:** Foul language, partying, use of drugs, promiscuity, possible sex scenes, internal turmoil...

Please, if you review, have an account with PMs enabled so I can reply!

Thanks to **luvsanime02** for putting up with my brainstorming rambling madness and for your madd editing skills, and to **MonaBee** for the second read through and great feedback.  
All remaining mistakes are my own** [/end Author's note]**

* * *

Outside, the sky is a clear blue, and the warmth of the sun's rays can be felt even through the window. It doesn't even seem like the train is moving, since all that can be seen is endless green meadows, blue sky and blinding bright.

Lily Potter has the side of her forehead pressed up against the warm glass as she takes in the flat landscape indifferently. A dark, heavy, gray-black ball is building up inside of her, the same way rain clouds take over a neighborhood – coming in from far away and slowly creeping forward until suddenly they're there, blocking out the sun and pouring down on the flowerbed.

The Hogwarts Express chugs along, choo chooing every now and then, an irritating hot pink sound that makes Lily wish that she could pass out and miss the whole trip home. But she feels wide awake, and unfortunately, she's not deaf either. Her compartment mates haven't shut up for longer than a few seconds since the train left Hogsmeade station.

In all honesty, Lily would have preferred to sit by herself, but all the compartments must be full because this group intruded on her only a few minutes after the train left the station. It's like they think being in the same House makes it all right for them to sit beside her, without asking even.

"So, Lily, are you going to be seeing Scorpius this summer?"

It's the first time that they've addressed her directly, and it takes Lily a few seconds to react. She slowly peels her forehead off of the glass – she can feel the wet coolness from where she'd been sweating against the window – and then blinks slowly at Kissa.

Lily's never liked Kissa, because in first year she went around telling anyone who would listen that her grandfather could speak Parseltongue, and that this was why the Sorting Hat had placed her in Slytherin. Back then, Lily had still felt this childhood pride in her father and everything he'd accomplished, and she'd held a grudge on principle though she knew, even then, that Harry no longer possessed that particular skill. Now, Lily doesn't like Kissa because all she can talk about is her hair and boys. Plus, her voice has an unusual melody to it that sounds like murky yellow to Lily.

"I suppose that I will."

Kissa has long, wavy brown hair that she's taken the habit of twisting around her finger and then untwisting it and flicking it back behind her shoulder. She does it constantly, and the repetitive action perplexes Lily. She wonders if Kissa knows that she does this.

Kissa's sidekick Alesha pipes up. "My sister told me that she bumped into Scorpius at Diagon Alley last month and that he looked _really good_."

Lily rolls her eyes. She saw Scorpius herself during spring break, when he came up to Hogsmeade to hang out. He'd looked much the same to her: lanky, with chubby cheeks. Lily doesn't think that she'd ever use an emphatic 'really good' to describe Scorpius. He looked like himself, was all – cute, maybe, in a baby-fat face sort of way. Still, maybe she's biased because he's her best friend. One doesn't consider one's best friends as emphatically 'really good' looking. It would be crossing a line.

The conversation carries on as though Lily had never uttered those five words. She doesn't mind. She lets her forehead drop back against the window and wishes that the sun would go away. The contrast with the black raincloud gathering inside of her is disconcerting.

"-and Dad says that he'll get me an internship with Minister Shacklebolt-"

"-I've already applied for the next Auror training session. I'm _so excited_-"

"-you, Lily?"

Lily blinks. By some miracle, she'd drifted off into a semi-conscious, semi-unconscious state, until she heard her name and was jerked back into full awareness again.

Lily thinks that, if she'd remained a straight-laced girl, she may have been friends with the third girl, Elise. Elise has these big brown eyes that look at everything with some sort of inherent kindness. Every time Elise speaks to her, Lily feels like hugging her. That's saying something.

"Sorry?"

"What about you? What are your plans for the future?"

Kissa and Alesha look at Lily. She can tell that they're impatient for her to reply so that they can continue talking about themselves. Lily supposes that she shouldn't begrudge them their narcissism – under the circumstance that her DNA hadn't undergone a sever malfunction, that could have been her.

"I don't have any."

"You don't have any hopes or dreams?" Elise's eyes look like they're tearing up – or do they always look like that? Maybe that's what gives her a kind look. It's kind of freaking Lily out now.

Lily shrugs. "Does partying and getting wasted count?" She's going for the flippant attitude, but the truth is that she'd rather just not think about her professional future because that would entail thinking about her N.E.W.T results, and that's something that Lily wants to put off for as long as possible – forever, actually.

The other girls roll their eyes at that and resume their own mindless conversation, but Elise continues to look at Lily with those watery brown eyes. Lily looks away, feeling guilty.

The truth is that Lily really doesn't know what she wants to do about a career. She doesn't have any prevailing interests, and certainly no vocation to dictate the rest of her life. She hates that she's expected to know now, even though she's only seventeen-years-old. Lily isn't lying when she says that she wants to party and have fun. Unfortunately, that's not the Wizarding way.

* * *

Too soon, the Hogwarts Express arrives at Platform 9 ¾. Lily would take its irritating hot pink noise over what she's about to face any day.

Mum is alone while waiting for Lily, but that's not unusual. Lily had wrote to Mum telling her that she was more than old enough to Apparate back home now on her own, but that hadn't gone over so well. When their eyes meet, Lily sees Mum's smile falter, drop, and then pick up again. It wouldn't do to look unhappy to see her daughter returning home from Hogwarts for good. A reporter might be lurking around, picking up their own child, who knows, and catch a picture of 'Mrs. Potter's True Relationship with Only Daughter.' Lily can see the headline now.

"Hi, darling!" Mum pulls Lily into a hug and kisses her cheek.

"I'm not five years old." Lily shoves her off and wipes at her cheek. She knows when her mother is faking it – her eyes stay wide open while her mouth grins. It makes Lily sick, the way that they have to pretend to be nothing but happy, happy, happy in public.

"No, you're not. I distinctively remember you having red hair when you were five. And sixteen, too."

Lily does grin at this. She'd dyed her hair when she'd gotten back to Hogwarts after winter break. It's completely black now, with green highlights starting halfway down her hair and continuing to the tips. Her hair reaches past her boobs now, and couldn't have been straighter or have less volume even if she'd found a spell. Lily likes the way that her hair looks so lifeless. She thinks that it reflects her inner being truthfully.

Lily brings out her trunk and her owl, Celadon, and then they make their way to an Apparation spot in terse silence. Once upon a time, Lily can remember actually looking forward to this reunion, jumping off the train and racing her brothers to greet their mother. Reciprocated hugs and kisses were always in order, and sometimes ice cream treats before heading home. When Lily really thinks about those days now, though, she recalls how short they really were before James and Mum started arguing about his career choice and before Lily stopped caring.

Home feels weird to her when they arrive, like it's a stranger's house where Lily's only been invited for a temporary stay.

Mum lets out a loud, drawn out sigh the moment they cross the house's threshold and the door _clicks_ shut behind them. This is Lily's cue that the public persona is finally being discarded.

The entrance hall gives way to the dining room and kitchen, although the staircase which leads to the bedrooms is directly across from the front door. Lily levitates her trunk, and is about to attempt an escape upstairs before Mum turns around and Lily knows that she's too late.

"What were you thinking, doing that to your hair?" Mum's voice may sound calm and reasonable, but Lily knows better than to think that she's being invited to actually give her opinion.

She continues; "It's inappropriate. No employer will take you seriously looking like that."

"Looking like what? Different?"

"I am not enabling you in this, Lily. Get rid of the hair, or-"

"Or what?" Sometimes Lily can't control her voice, and it comes out as a shout instead of a levelled retort. Lily checks herself before continuing in a lower tone. "You'll spell my hair back to normal? Well, go ahead. I'm of-age now, and whatever you do I'll just change my hair right back."

Mum just throws her hands up in the air. Lily wins this battle. At least, for now. A heavy silence settles between them then. Lily has the choice to go up to her room, but…

"Scorpius invited me to his place for the holidays." It's not the best moment to be asking for anything right now, but Lily is of-age. Technically, she doesn't need permission anymore.

"Scorpius will just have to wait for your company, Lily. James and Albus are arriving tomorrow, and then we're heading to the Burrow this weekend."

Family Day, and then the Family Reunion. The summer rituals.

Family Reunions aren't as bad as Family Days. With the Burrow putting its limits of human capacity to the test, it's easy to sneak out and be forgotten. Plus, most of the cousins show up, and Lily doesn't see Fred or Molly as much as she'd like to otherwise. Once, she was even allowed to invite Scorpius along, although that was an awkward affair. Lily realized that summer how, despite everyone trying to let bygones be bygones, much of her family didn't love the fact that her best friend is a Malfoy.

Lily doesn't try to extend an invitation to Scorpius today. The summer has already started off on a bad foot, and Mum is in that mood when she denies Lily everything.

Without another word, Lily takes her trunk up to her room. Hers is on the top floor. It's the smallest room of the whole house, and it's probably more of an attic space than anything, but with no room above or adjacent to hers, she lives in relative peace and quiet. As long she stays in the room, of course.

Lily levitates her trunk onto her bed and puts Celadon's cage on her desk by the window. Then, she opens her trunk. She took the time at Hogwarts to pack everything so carefully by hand. She'd thought that maybe if she took forever to pack, she'd never have to leave.

She stares at the neatly-lined black robes. The gray ball of discontent in her gut is pressing against her abdomen, creating an uncomfortable pressure – it wants out. But now there's a painful feeling accompanying it, a kind of white razor sawing away at the inside to let out the confined rain cloud.

In one swift motion, Lily grasps the lid of her trunk and pulls it forward, only jumping back when the entirety of her trunk crashes to the ground. Her robes float out to the floor. The carpet mutes the fall of the books and other heavy objects, but it's not thick enough to cushion the solid wood trunk itself, which crashes to the ground with a pretty, purple _bam_! Across the room, Celadon hoots and flaps his wings, startled by the sudden commotion.

Lily pushes the trunk off of the mess she's created with one foot. The lid of one of her ink bottles has popped off and stained some of her Muggle clothes and books. Even with magic, ink stains are a pain to get rid of completely.

The white razorblade has disappeared, and the gray ball has moved away, even if only temporarily. It's gone to rain on someone else's front lawn for now.

Lily pokes around the mess with a toe and pulls out of a scroll of parchment paper with a thumb and middle finger. She locates a quill, and then squats down to dip the tip into a puddle of ink that is quickly being absorbed by the carpet.

She puts the parchment on her knees. As a result, her writing is wobbly, but as long as it's legible Lily doesn't care.

_Scorp,_

_Have to spend that blasted F. Day w/ the fam but then free until the big R._

_Be there soon._

_Xxx_

_Your Lils._

Lily draws on her arm with the quill while she waits for the ink to dry. She doesn't draw anything in particular, just shapes and doodles. A square, squiggly lines, a heart, then adds a zig-zag line through it. She likes the rough feeling of the quill's sharpened tip scratching against her skin.

Finally, she rolls up the letter and opens Celadon's cage. He's still jumpy from being frightened, and Lily almost gets a wing in her face when he bolts out the cage the second that Lily opens it. He flies one lap around the room before finally perching on Lily's chair.

"Sorry I scared you, buddy." Lily scratches Celadon's neck. Despite his name, there is nothing relatively green or gray about Celadon's feathers, except for maybe for his head. Instead, Celadon is mostly cream colored and brown, with black streaks through his body. What drew Lily to him, though, were his wide, orange eyes. Orange to her is when she's feeling hyper, and she likes the way that it makes him look so alert.

Celadon hoots again – a low-pitched _uhoo-uhoo_ – that Lily has always found comforting, like her very own safety blanket.

"I hate it here," Lily whispers, and Celadon tilts its head and nips Lily's fingers. It's not a mean gesture, it just means that he's hungry, but Lily likes to think that Celadon understands her and tries to cheer her up in the only way that he knows how.

"Sorry, buddy, I don't have any beetles on me, but Scorpius will give you a treat, all right?"

At the sight of the letter, Celadon pushes off of the chair. He closes his claws around the offered parchment and then flies around the room while Lily opens the window.

Lily watches him soar out the window and then fly out of sight. She's still sitting there long after she's lost him from her sight.

She feels envious, and wishes that she could follow him through the open window and flap her wings, let herself float while riding the wind's current.

She wonders if that's what happiness feels like.


	2. Chapter 2

Albus arrives first. The smell of pancakes and sausages waft up the stairs as Lily makes her way down to the dining room after hearing the fireplace's loud crack. She'd just been lounging on her bed with her door wide open so that she'd know when it was safe to come down. Last night, she'd pretended to be asleep when Dad had tiptoed up to tell her that dinner was ready.

"Morning, Mum, Dad."

Lily walks into the dining room just as Albus gets pulled into their mother's arms and kissed firmly on both cheeks.

"Look at you!" Mum holds Albus at arm's length, both hands resting on his shoulders. She takes him in as though she hasn't seen him in ages, although Lily knows from a previous letter from Mum that it hasn't been any longer than two months since Albus stopped by.

Lily, on the other hand, hasn't seen her brother for half a year. She hangs back, though, as Dad claps Albus on the shoulder and ruffles his hair.

Albus grins at the parental affection, but Lily sees something lethargic in the way his limbs move, like it takes him more time to gather up the energy. His eyes are puffy and black underneath; he looks like he hasn't been out in the sun since even before it started getting warm again.

All of this to follow in Dad's footsteps.

"Lily, you're home!" Albus sounds surprised.

Lily grins and lets Albus pull her into a warm hug. He's the tall one in the family and Lily's head only reaches below his breast, right where his heart is. Sideways, her ear presses up against it and Lily listens to it thumbing away. Behind her closed eyes, Albus' heart sounds like faded pink circles that expand and shrink with every heartbeat. Lily wouldn't mind staying like this forever, listening to proof of her brother's continued existence, but too soon he's pulling away and Lily has no choice but to let him go. She hugs herself after his absence.

"I can't stay the whole day, Mum, I have a mountain of homework that I really need to get through by next week."

Albus follows Mum back into the kitchen and Lily is left in the dining room with Dad, who's sitting back down at the table, three different newspapers spread out before him. His job demands that he stay up-to-date not only with all of the news, but also how everything is being discussed in different papers. Lily couldn't imagine a more boring job.

He doesn't pick up a newspaper though, but smiles up at Lily. She knows that she has to talk with him eventually, so she slowly unfurls her arms from around her waist and pulls out a chair two seats down.

"How was the ride back from Hogwarts?"

The question is conventional, Lily supposes, something that any father would ask any daughter, but between them it feels stilted. Lily remembers a time when she used to hold Dad's hand and press up close to him for hugs and kisses. As she grew older though, a chasm started to form between them, and now Lily can't see across the other side of this abyss. Sometimes, she even forgets who's over there.

"Long. These girls from my House sat beside me, but I barely know them."

Dad gives her a different kind of smile – sympathetic? Lily can never be sure. "Did all your friends leave last year?"

Lily shrugs, and props a foot up on the chair so that she can rest a cheek on her knee. She doesn't think her parents realize that Scorpius was her only friend at Hogwarts. They have this deluded notion that, although Scorpius is her best friend, Lily has another group of close girlfriends that she shares all of her secrets with or something.

A loud crack from behind them saves Lily from reminding her dad that yes, Scorpius, her only friend, left Hogwarts two years ago, remember?

"James!"

Lily jumps up from her seat and throws herself at James before he can even brush the Floo dust from off of his robes. James catches her immediately, lifts her right off of the floor and then spins her around three times.

Head spinning, Lily has to keep a firm hand on James' arm when he puts her back down. The spinning world is a beautiful place, she thinks, as objects and spatial dimensions blur and collide.

"Hi, Dad!"

Lily steps back as James moves forward to hug their father, just as Albus and Mum come out of the kitchen to greet the last and final arrival for their annual Family Day.

James gets much the same treatment as Albus from Mum, although she laughs and tells him that he needs a haircut. James has let his hair grow out to his ears, unruly and messy, but Lily thinks it suits him: the wildly-rugged dragon-tamer.

"Speaking of hair, wicked style, Lily."

"You like it?"

"A definite yes. It looks great on you."

Mum scoffs. "Lily knows that a makeover is in order soon."

James only grins wider at this, and the quick wink that he sends her way allows Mum's comment to slide off of Lily's skin; she's untouched.

Mum heads back into the kitchen and Albus, spotting the newspapers, sits by Dad.

"Tell me about Romania!" Lily takes James by the arm and guides him over to the table. She sits on the wooden surface, feet propped up on the chair next to the one James sits in.

"Well, Uncle Charlie just got in a new Common Welsh Green in the other day. The poor thing had been captured and was being kept alive while they harvested her scales. Dead Welsh Green scales are used in many potions, but some people will pay thousands of Galleons for a green one."

Lily gasps. "But why did they have to keep it alive?"

"Their scales lose their vibrant green color when they die. No one really knows why, but a popular theory is that their body temperature causes the scales to glow brightly like they do. So, if cut off while the dragon is still alive, that energy is preserved and the color and its luster will last indefinitely. That's why they're worth so much. It's illegal to deal in the trading of Welsh Green scales, other than as potion materials. Those scales are charcoal black color and very cheap, but even then, there are only a handful of authorized vendors with permits, who are closely watched by the Ministry."

"That's horrible!" An overwhelming and irrational urge to see this dragon and hug it and nurse it back to health takes over Lily. "I'd love to come visit you there and see all of the dragons. You must feel so small, standing next to these magnificent creatures."

"Why don't you? You don't have to go back to school now and I could show you around. Who knows, you may even want to learn the ropes and become an apprentice like me."

"Not a chance. Lily, off of the table, now."

Lily slides off the table. "What do you mean, not a chance? James invited _me_, didn't he?"

Mum levitates the food to the table: heaps of pancakes, sausages, ham, eggs and various pastries. It always looks like a lot, but James, Albus and Dad eat like they have punctured stomachs. Dad clears the table of two of the newspapers while Albus leans back in his chair, the third newspaper spread open in front of his face.

"That dragon sanctuary is no place for you."

"So it's okay for James because he's a _man_? Where's your feminine dignity, Mum?"

"Lily…" These are the only moments when Dad ever intervenes. When Lily says something out of line and he thinks that saying her name will work like some Charm to calm her down.

"What I mean is that you're only temporarily fascinated with the idea of the job, but you don't know what it entails. James showed us that he was invested in this career; he conducted extensive research on the matter, and proved to us that his decision was a level-headed and thought-out process."

Lily rolls her eyes. "I didn't realize that our career choices had to go through the jury panel."

Mum sighs, and looks at Lily the way that she does when she knows her point won't get through: pursed lips and the tips of her eyebrows tilted upwards.

"So, how's the Auror training going, Al?" James kicks Lily's foot lightly under the table. It's his way of telling her to drop it or that breakfast will be ruined. Lily stabs her egg angrily, while Albus goes on about the mountain of research assignments he's fallen behind on and how his Potions instructor is always on his back, expecting more of him because he's a Potter.

Lily doesn't really like eating eggs because the yolk reminds her of the sun, and she hates having to puncture the sun and soak up its yellow blood because logic dictates that it should warm her up inside, but it never does.

After breakfast, Albus heads home. He moved out when he entered his second year of Auror training, to live with a friend from the program for a more 'studious environment,' or so he said. James asks Lily if she wants to play some Quidditch, so they take turns being the Keeper while the other tries to score but that quickly becomes boring – it's nothing like how they all get together at Family Reunions and hold mini-tournaments.

They end up lying on the grass, brooms and Quaffle discarded a few feet away.

"I think Albus looks miserable."

Lily sees James turn his head her way out of the corner of her eye. "Do you think so? I mean, he did look tired, but…"

The sky is a homogenous blue, and the sun still has not reached its full summer ferocity yet. It's a drowsy afternoon. "Do you remember when Albus started writing that novel series featuring personifications of the different Houses?"

James laughs. "Yes, those were bloody hilarious."

Lily smiles at the memory of when they'd get together in the Great Hall before curfew and Albus would read them his latest chapter out loud: Slytherin, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff were four fast friends who always ended up in the most hilarious of predicaments. It almost felt like Lily had friends other than Scorpius during that time, like she'd belonged to a group who shared a love of Albus's stories and of his voice as he brought his characters and narrative to life. He always had them all laughing hysterically by the second page.

Lily tears up leaves of grass and drops them on her shirt. "I don't think he has much time for writing anymore."

"No, I guess not."

Dark orange-red sadness unfurls itself inside of Lily slowly. "I want to grab him and shake him awake, most of the time. The other times, I just hate how Mum and Dad smile at him like they can't see what they're doing to him. They'd rather believe in their delusion of the son they want him to be instead of who he actually is."

"Lily, it's not their fault."

Lily shakes her head and chews on her lip, a habit she developed a few years ago when she became determined to stop crying when she's the color of a burning sunset. She chews her lip and closes off her throat so now her lip hurts and her throat burns and her eyes feel tight, but she never cries.

She doesn't bother trying to argue her point with James. They've had this conversation before, and they never see eye-to-eye. James insists that their parents only want the best for them, to be fulfilled intellectually and emotionally, but Lily thinks there's more to it than that. Why else name your newborn children after people you worship but have passed away. It slowly dawned on Lily as she grew up that she was never meant to be her own self; none of them were. They're the representations of people their parents lost and want to reincarnate: Lily, Albus, James, and even Fred and Molly. They were never even given a choice or a chance to be themselves.

"How is Scorpius doing?"

"All right, I think. We met up in Hogsmeade during the spring break. He's really into Transfiguration now. He was thinking of maybe becoming a professor or working for the Ministry. He actually snagged a job recently. Something to do with research. I don't really know the details."

"That's cool."

James is the only person that Lily feels comfortable opening up to about Scorpius. Everyone else just thinks that they're secretly dating, like a girl can't like a guy without there being any romantic feelings involved. What Lily has never told anyone, not even James, is that there were romantic feelings involved, once, many years ago. She knows that Scorpius has never told anyone either because they haven't even ever talked about it between themselves. It happened, but 'they' didn't.

"I've met someone," James says after another few long moments of silence, during which time Lily has amassed a green mess on her shirt. "We haven't been together for very long, but I've never felt this way before. I think I'm in love, Lily."

At Hogwarts, James dated a new girl every three months or so. Lily has never had him confide in her about such deep feelings before. She sits up, watching the blades of dead grass slip from her stomach and back to their place of birth. A few stubborn ones cling to her shirt, though, liking this new environment better, maybe. She lifts her head slightly to look at James. His mouth forms a small smile as he squints back up at her. The sun is directly behind her head.

"I was thinking over if I should tell Mum and Dad, or if I should wait until we're more serious and bring her over."

"If I were you, I'd keep her as far away from us as you can. Romania seems like a good hiding spot."

James chuckles, but half-heartedly. He's deep in his thoughts. Lily has never seen him so serious before. Eventually, James turns his gaze back to her. Lily thinks that maybe he's going to tell her more about his mysterious new girlfriend, but he doesn't.

"You look different. And I don't just mean the hair. You look … unhappy. Brown, is that it?"

Despite herself, Lily smiles. She leans back in the grass again, but she scoots closer to James so the sides of their arms are touching. James was always the only one to ever truly try to understand her. No, it was more than that. Scorpius tried to understand her too. It was more like James actually believed her.

"Actually, unhappy is more of a dark gray, with some brown flecks sometimes. It depends. It's a heavy color. It weighs me down."

"What's wrong?"

Their heads are turned, cheeks pressed against the grass as they stare into each other's eyes. "What, you mean other than the fact that I'm stuck here for who knows how long? And other than the fact that I'm a disappointment to our parents because I'm the only one not living up to my namesake?"

James looks hurt, even though Lily isn't attacking him. She'd told herself that she wouldn't bring this up with him again.

"They just want the best for us," James says, predictably.

Lily scoffs. "Easy for you to say. If we believe their stories, Granddad James would have been thrilled to know that his grandson was off taming and nursing dragons. I don't think Grandmum Lily would be as thrilled to know that her only granddaughter is a numbskull who barely passed her N.E. and a freak who feels and hears in colors."

"You're not a freak," James whispers eventually.

"You may not think so, but everyone else does. They don't believe it's instinctive, that it's _real_. They think that I just make it up for attention, that I…" Lily chews furiously on her lip. She hates talking about this. James is the only one who ever manages these outbursts from her. The first time it happened was in fifth year and ten years of repressed feelings had finally let loose. Now, this overwrought anger is an angry line of black with teal ragged edges cutting into her chest.

James closes his hand around Lily's and squeezes it. He doesn't say anything, but Lily is glad that he doesn't. Chewing away at her lip, she's scared that she'll break her record and cry if he wants her to keep talking about it.

Eventually, the moment passes, though the throbbing in her bottom lip doesn't fade, and eventually they make their way back inside to help with lunch.

That night, Lily packs her bag. She doesn't take much, just a few changes of clothes and her toiletries. Hours after everyone's gone to bed, Lily creaks open her door and tiptoes down the stairs to the fireplace. She grabs a handful of Floo powder from the bowl on the mantel and throws it into the fire.

"Malfoy Manor," Lily enunciates carefully but clearly. Then she steps into the green flames. The last thing she hears is the dim echo of a loud whoosh.


	3. Chapter 3

All of Malfoy Manor is sleeping when the loud crack announces Lily's arrival. The fireplace is in a room of its own – a sort of waiting room, with one window and a couch for visitors to sit on while the Malfoys are notified of their arrival.

Lily steps out of the fireplace, spells herself clean, and jumps at a sudden loud crack being her. She spins around but it's only Vigie, the Malfoy House Elf.

"Mistress Lily? It is being a late time."

Vigie's wide and watery eyes are half-shut; her voice is slow and disoriented. She must have been sleeping when she heard the fireplace alarm going off, signaling a visitor's arrival. Lily feels bad for waking her up. She already has to get up so early to light the other fireplaces around the house.

"Yes, it's just me, Vigie. You can go back to sleep, I'll show myself in."

"Vigie is glad to be seeing Mistress Lily again."

"Yes, me too, Vigie. It's been a while."

With another loud crack, Vigie disappears again, and Lily lets herself out of the waiting room. That room gives way to the living room. The rooms and hallways are lit up by torches hanging on the walls, but other than the few bright spots near the flames, the rest of the house sleeps in the dimly-lit shadows.

_There's something peaceful about a sleeping house_, Lily thinks, as she lingers in the room. She breathes in the silence, inhaling deeply and letting it simmer in her lungs. If only it could be night always.

Lily pulls her bag over her shoulder - it was a present from Aunt Hermione four or five years ago, a Muggle cloth bag with a ridiculous name that Lily can never remember: Daffle bag, or something – and makes her way to Scorpius' room.

The door opens without a creak and Lily lets her bag drop down just inside of the room. She slips off her pants and socks and folds them on top of the bag. The fireplace in Scorpius' room has gone out and it's rather chilly. In a house made of stone, it's chilly even in the middle of the dog days of summer.

Lily pulls back the covers and slips under the duvet, lying down beside a sleeping Scorpius. Scorpius stirs and turns her way, but he doesn't wake. Lily lets one of his arms snake around her waist and pull her close against him. It feels odd being back in the bed – it's been over a year since she's slept beside anyone – but not unfamiliar. His hold on her seems to be stronger than before but he still smells the same, and Lily can feel herself relax: the shackles of dark colors around her organs releases and evaporates from her body in a puff of off-white smoke. In its place, Lily feels a soft veil of pink lavender wrap around her. It's an emotion that Lily has never been able to put her finger on. Is this what people call safety, or is it contentment? She only feels like this in rare moments, but the first time was when she lay like this with Scorpius for the first time, back when she was in fourth year and him in sixth.

Scorpius' arm flexes around Lily's waist, as though he's preparing himself for a fight in his dream. Lily puts a hand on his arm, surprised to feel the tendons bulging – he doesn't feel the same as a year ago.

Lily lies awake for a long time, listening to Scorpius' even, deep breathing, enjoying the comfort of his arm, the solid chest behind her, and the absence of heavy colors weighing her down. This, at least, hasn't changed. At some point she doesn't remember, Lily drifts off into a deep sleep.

The bed is cold and empty when Lily opens her eyes the next morning. Her first thought is that she's still at home, but one peek at the floor tells her that's not the case: there's no mess. Plus, there's a fire already crackling and warm in the room. At home, Lily has to make her own fire if she's planning on staying up in her room – no House Elves for the Potters. Not with an aunt like Hermione Granger.

Lily wakes up quickly. Once her eyes are open, she only has to rub the sleep from them and she's ready to go. It's not like she's brimming with energy, but she's never been one to laze around. She slips on the same pants from the previous night and makes her way to the dining room.

The whole family is already there, but no one looks up at her when Lily makes her way to a seat beside Scorpius. This complete engrossment in their own activities is exactly what Lily loves most about this family. They don't all eat breakfast together out of some strange and irrational familial duty the same way that her family does, but rather it feels like they come together by coincidence instead of circumstance. They all wake up around the same time, and therefore feel hungry at the same time, and therefore happen to sit at the same table as each other at the same time. Yet, they don't insist on making stilted and banal small talk while they eat.

Draco Malfoy has his whole head buried behind a newspaper – the _Wizarding Watch_, a more conservative newspaper – and Astoria is scribbling away on a piece of parchment. Lily has never seen Astoria much, other than at the dining table during her visits to Malfoy Manor throughout the years, and Astoria Malfoy is always in the process of writing something or other. Scorpius told her once what she does, but Lily's forgotten. It's something about organizing pageants or charities or weddings… Something boring that requires her to maintain a huge network.

It's not like Lily feels a particular affinity towards Scorpius' parents – they're just Scorpius' parents to her, and she's certainly never had any deep or personal conversations with them – but she feels comfortable around them. She enjoys the lack of pretense, the ability to sit at the table and keep quiet without the pressure of pretending to be interested in their stories or share any of her own.

"Can Vigie be getting you breakfast to eat, Mistress Lily?"

Lily blinks at Vigie, who has appeared at her side without a sound. Scorpius has his eyes fixed on a book opened up by his plate, but when he hears Vigie's voice he looks up and smiles at Lily, not having realized before that she'd taken a seat beside him.

"I'll just have a cup of coffee, and maybe a slice of toast and some jam, Vigie. Thank you."

"Is that all you're having?" Scorpius has two eggs on his plate, two pieces of toast, plus hash browns and sausages, and he's already put a good dent in his meal from what Lily can see.

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a boy going through puberty."

"I'm hardly going through puberty anymore. And I had noticed, thanks."

Lily rolls her eyes. "You're still growing though, aren't you? What are you reading?"

"Hmm?" Scorpius looks over at where Lily is pointing, seemingly forgetting all about his morning reading material. "Oh, that? It's nothing, just some light reading they recommended that I take a look at for work."

"Some light reading?" Lily laughs, and reaches an arm over Scorpius' plate to scoop up the book. "Scorp, this book weighs a ton!_ Theory of Societal Transfiguration_?" She flips to the last page. "960 pages. Yeah, I like my light reading to be on the shorter side too."

Scorpius grins. "It's not like I'm going to read it all in one go, am I?"

Vigie appears, this time with a loud crack, and places Lily's plate and cup on the table, filling the latter with hot black coffee. The cream and sugar are already on the table and Lily puts a generous quantity of both in her drink: she likes her coffee as white and disgustingly sweet as possible.

Scorpius scrunches up his nose at that – he's a self-proclaimed coffee purist – and takes his book back.

"Good morning, Lily."

Lily has always liked Draco Malfoy, though Lily knows this feeling is streaked with purple pity. On the one hand, she knows from family stories about his and her father's school rivalry, and from history class about his allegiance to Voldemort and about the Dark Mark on his arm, which he always keeps covered up. On the other hand, she also knows that he was only a teenager, a year younger than her, when he got dragged into that mess and he's been forgiven, although most of society stills snubs their nose at those Pure-bloods. One day, Scorpius was asked for his identification when they were buying trinkets at a new store in Diagon Alley, and when Scorpius admitted to being a Malfoy they refused his money and showed him the door.

"Good morning, Mr. Malfoy." Lily never knows what to say to Draco Malfoy. All she can think about when she sees him is how they say his father disappeared only a few months after the trial which pardoned his and his family's crimes. Draco's mother, either guilt-ridden because of the crimes she'd committed, or delirious due to grief at having lost her husband, let herself go until she went truly mad and had to be locked up. Lily doesn't know if she's still locked up in a home or if she's passed away. Scorpius never talks about his grandparents. Lily doesn't even know if he knows.

Draco folds up his newspaper and puts it by his plate. He pushes back his chair to stand and then he looks from Lily to Scorpius before smiling slightly. "You two have a good day," he says, before leaving the room toward the living room, no doubt about to Floo to work. He doesn't say goodbye to his wife, nor does he give her a peck on the cheek the way her dad does with her mum on days when they're not arguing. In fact, Astoria doesn't even look up to acknowledge her husband's departure.

Lily finds their relationship strangely fascinating.

The silence which follows isn't as comfortable as Lily would have liked. She nibbles on her toast, trying to rack her brain to think of something to say to Scorpius, but he's gone back to his light reading and Lily can't think of anything that wouldn't make her sound like a completely ignorant fool. How can she compete with theories on social transfiguration? She doesn't even _know_ what social transfiguration is.

"Darling, what's another word for ostentatious?"

_Pretentious twat_? Lily thinks as she finishes off the last piece of her toast.

"Does magniloquent work in the context?"

Astoria looks up at Scorpius and then over to Draco's empty seat. "I see your father's left already then." She purses her lips as she reads over her letter, then sighs. "It'll do." She writes the word in, signs her signature, and adds the letter on top of a pile of at least twenty others. "Well, I must run. Have a splendid day, you two."

"What do you want to do today?" Scorpius cleans off the last of the food on his plate before looking over at Lily expectantly.

Lily heaves her shoulders. "Window shopping at Diagon Alley and then clubbing?" It's their usual plan of action on their first day back together.

Scorpius bobs his head in agreement, and Lily scratches the back of her leg with her toe. An uncomfortable silence falls on them again. Lily remembers this feeling from last year. It's the silence that falls over two people who used to be friends but have nothing in common anymore.

When they saw each other in Hogsmeade, it was easy to pretend that Scorpius belonged there. They had hung out in the village so many times before. Lily takes a closer look at Scorpius now and she notices small details that she hadn't taken the time to look at in the springtime: the light blond stubble on his cheeks, the new width of his shoulders, and the loss of chubbiness in his cheeks. He's filled out into his height, that's for sure. And there's something else too, a strange new look in his eyes, something that tells Lily that during their time apart Scorpius has matured into a man while Lily's stayed a little girl.

* * *

Lily's favorite restaurant in Diagon Alley is a fairly new sushi place. It's the first of its kind in Diagon Alley, if the _Prophet_'s article written the year the place opened is to be believed, and it's definitely not the most popular. Other than the Muggles who know of sushi from their society, the reaction Lily's heard from most Wizards is that raw fish belongs in the cauldron, not the stomach.

Lily first came to the restaurant with Dad and Mum when she was nine, in the afternoon after they dropped Albus off at Platform 9 ¾, and Lily took Scorpius there the summer after her fourth year. She tries not to think too much about their first time here. That day had been a day of many firsts.

"So, how did your mum react to the hair?"

They're shown to their seats and order right away – they always get the same thing. Lily snaps the two chopsticks apart; she loves this invention. She wonders if they were invented by Wizard folk in Asia, and then spread throughout the whole continent until Muggles caught on and took over the creation. It does feel a lot like balancing two miniature wands between only a few fingers.

"She freaked out, of course. She was probably terrified someone would snap a picture of us and sell it to the _Prophet_. You know how hard it is for the Ministry to keep things balanced between traditional and progressive these days. Mum doesn't want to give the impression that we're too progressive."

"She should at least be thankful that you don't have any piercings."

The Muggle fad of piercing one's body parts had been introduced to the Wizarding world recently. Currently, only the unemployed, Dark Magic worshippers and basket cases got their face or other things pierced, but apparently in Muggle society it's considered quite normal.

Lily grins as the waitress brings their orders. "Now there's a thought."

Scorpius holds a maki halfway to his mouth, eyes wide. "Oh, no, please don't, Lils."

"Why? You wouldn't like me if I got my eyebrow pierced? Maybe I'd pierce my tongue!" Lily sticks out her tongue at Scorpius. "Wouldn't that be cool?"

Scorpius groans like he sounds disgusted. "I don't know why anyone would want to mutilate their bodies like that."

Lily shrugs. "Why not? Maybe it's some sort of Muggle ritual? Or a cult thing?"

Scorpius merely shrugs at that, and Lily digs in to her food. They eat silently for a while. Lily puts too much wasabi in her soy sauce, but she likes the burning sensation she gets in her nose from it. It feels like a cold burn and it's green, just like the wasabi, which Lily has always found hilarious.

After a bit, Scorpius tells her about his job. He works for a special branch in the Ministry who conduct research for cases going to trial in which the use of transfiguration has played a vital or significant role. They have to determine if the particular transfiguration spell has ever been documented in previous cases, dating back to 1806, because that's when the law on criminal-use of transfiguration was modified, Scorpius says. They have to determine all of the factors revolving around the use of the spell in every case, and then form statistical graphs and hypotheses and formulate summaries of all this and then send it back to the Wizengamot. They don't actually determine whether the use of the spell was lawful or not. The Wizengamot jury decides that based on the research Scorpius and his team have conducted, as well as other factors specific to the actual case.

Lily keeps her head down while she's eating. She knows that Scorpius will assume she's listening, but in truth she's only half paying attention. She doesn't need to hear his words to know that he's never been happier before. The passion just shines through his tone of voice. He's only had the job a handful of months, and yet it sounds like he's in love. Lily feels like a child in comparison, for not having something to rave about as well, something that would make her sound as mature and intelligent as Scorpius.

Scorpius had always been the more studious of the two of them, and he was definitely the reason why Lily had gotten her work done. Without him around, Lily had spiraled into a state of homework anarchy. The last two years are a black blur of stress and panic. Lily can't even remember how she got half of her assignments done on time without Scorpius pacing her and reminding her of her schedule. She'd done decently on her O.W.L.s with Scorpius coaching her, despite his own exams to study for – he kept assuring her that helping her study helped him study, but Lily doesn't know if he was saying that to placate her, or if he was being truthful. Her N.E. , though, had been a complete disaster. A part of her suspects the teachers passed her only barely because of the reputation her family has to up hold. Lily would be surprised if _any_ job would accept her as a candidate.

Lily feels a hot red circle burn against her eyes. She doesn't know why she's so stupid. She wishes that she was smarter. She'd have given anything to be like Albus. Heck, even James, who knew when to buckle down and work when it was time. But whenever she sits down with a textbook, the paragraphs and sentences blur together and it takes her forever to get through a single paragraph. By then her mind's wandered to other things and she's forgotten what she's read. Scorpius was great at explaining everything to her. He took her through everything in steps until it all made sense.

"What about you?"

Lily's been so focused on Scorpius' tone that it's been echoing in her mind, and she doesn't realize for a moment that he's actually stopped talking.

"How was your last year at the big castle?"

"Boring without you. Nothing happened." She said the same thing last year as well. It's the truth, but like last year Scorpius looks at her like he thinks that she's keeping something from him.

"Well, what about your N.E. ? You ignored that question in my last letter. Did you remember the steps for breaking down the information like I taught you?"

Lily nods. She'd remembered the steps. Actually knowing how to sort the information into those steps had been a totally other catastrophe on its own.

"Yeah. I remembered the steps. Anyway, the N.E. are over. That's the whole point of them, right? To get them done with? I don't see why everyone wants to keep hashing them out afterwards."

"Sorry, Lils, I didn't mean…"

The silence this time is suffocating. The red circles burn brighter and Lily chews her bottom lip furiously. She's already finished with her lunch but Scorpius was talking and still has more to eat. She can't bear to look at him. He's her best friend – her only friend – and yet they have nothing to say to each other anymore. As much as Lily hates to think it, she knows that they're not on the same wavelength anymore. She knows that it's only a matter of time before their friendship ends.

Lily's noticed that they've slowly been drifting apart ever since the year Scorpius left Hogwarts. Lily has had plenty of time to analyze their situation and she already knows how it's going to happen. Scorpius will gradually get pulled into his work, becoming even more passionate and obsessed with his job – because Lily knows Scorpius, and she knows he's not reached his limit until he's fully and irreversibly obsessed – while Lily will continue to butt heads with her parents about her future. They'll continue to fight, and she'll still crash at Scorpius' place. At first, he'll put up with her because they're friends and because he'll still think that he likes her. Then, slowly, he'll finally begin to realize that they don't have anything in common anymore, that Lily is a wreck and hollow inside, and boring and immature and reckless and messed up and a _total_ mess, and he'll wonder what he ever saw in her in the first place. Probably, he'll meet someone else, but even if he doesn't, he'll start to withdraw from her until she realizes that she's intruding. She'll stop showing up randomly, uninvited, but then he'll start to feel guilty about letting her down and will keep up correspondence by owl. They'll exchange mail about their lives, but nothing will ever happen to her and she'll start feeling lame writing the same things down _ad nauseam_. Being dull is infinitely harder to admit in words than in person, when you don't have to talk about it necessarily. In the end, she'll stop replying and he'll feel relieved that he didn't have to be the one to terminate their friendship.

Lily knows that all of this will happen because she knows them both so well. If she was nicer, she'd end their relationship right now and save them both from the tedious process. But she's not nice – she's selfish, and she clings to Scorpius selfishly. He's her last lifeline, with his kindness and his feelings for her.

Lily feels a hand on her wrist and she jumps, snatching her arm back instinctively.

"Are you all right, Lils?"

Lily nods. Scorpius has finished eating while she'd gotten so lost in her thoughts without realizing it. At least the pulsating shame has relinquished its hold on her. She still has her bottom lip trapped between her teeth though, and she releases it.

"I'm fine." Lily grins at Scorpius. She wants to feel that comforting pale lavender shroud again, but all she feels is a heavy dark-gray raincloud gathering force. "You just bored me with all of that transfiguration talk earlier."

Scorpius smiles half-heartedly at her. She can tell that he's sad. Lily wants to tell him that he can talk to her about transfiguration all day long, that the joy and passion in his voice could get her through the darkest days. But she doesn't, partly because the waitress shows up with their bill, but mostly because Scorpius would probably misunderstand and Lily doesn't want to give him false hope.

"My treat," Scorpius says, reaching for the bill, but Lily is closer and slaps her hand on the overturned parchment paper.

"Nuh-uh. 50-50."

"Come on. I have a job now, and I want to treat you. It's our first day back together."

"It's _alway_s been 50-50."

Scorpius sighs and pulls his hand away from where it's been hovering over Lily's and the bill. "Fine. You're such a stickler for some things. You never let me treat you."

"I do on my birthday," Lily reminds him.

Scorpius laughs at that, and there's that fleeting feeling of a ray of sunshine peeking through the cloud. _He has become so much more handsome,_ Lily thinks.

"Look, I forgot to tell you but I actually have to meet a coworker at Flourish and Blotts. There's been a new reference book published that may be useful for our latest case, so we thought that we could go get it and take the opportunity to scour the place for any other books that may prove to be interesting."

"Oh…"

"We can meet up later, since you'll probably get bored."

Lily shrugs. She's here to hang out with Scorpius, after all. A pit stop by the bookstore won't kill her.

"Or you can come along," Scorpius goes on. He's picking Sickles out of his palm to pay for his share and misses Lily's shrug. "I'm sure that she won't mind."

Oh. "I'll just go window shop, then." Lily doesn't want to get in the way of anything. "Meet me outside the store in an hour or so?"

The waitress takes the money, beams a smile, and wishes them farewell.

"Yeah, sounds fantastic. Don't get yourself into any trouble now."

Lily watches Scorpius take off toward Flourish and Blotts. She has nothing she'd rather do less than window shop at the moment, but she's not about to stand in the middle of the street watching people going about their business. It's summertime, and Diagon Alley is overflowing with hyper children pulling their parents by the arm to whichever store contains the goodies they so desperately want while groups of older teenagers are hanging around having already escaped from their parents to meet up with old and new friends. Being alone in Diagon Alley at this time of the year is basically like holding up a sign: 'Loser with no friends. Donate some friendliness or will surely perish.'

Lily takes off down the street like she has a purpose, but really her only goal right now is to avoid Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. She loves her uncles desperately, but she's not in the mood for jokes.

A thought starts to form in her mind that she may just head to the nearest owlery and hang out with the owls for an hour – they're good company, and the horned owls especially make her feel at home – when Lily comes to a turn-off. The sign pointing down the dark alley says, 'Knockturn Alley.'

Lily's only ever been down the alley once, and that was when she tricked Scorpius into turning left without realizing where they were going. When he realized, he promptly freaked out and insisted that they go back to the main road. It had been funny then, but only because Lily had known that Scorpius would react that way and not let her drag him in any further.

The alleyway is dark and looks damp. Lily suspects that not a lot of sunlight makes it past those towering walls. She looks back at the main road and notices a few people watching her standing at the entrance to the alleyway. They frown and look her over from toes to top.

Lily straightens out. No doubt they think that she looks like a dabbler in the Dark Arts. Lily wonders if any will call the Aurors on her. Lily thinks that would be hilarious – Mum would finally get that article headline she's so dreading.

Gathering up her courage, Lily turns and enters Knockturn Alley.


	4. Chapter 4

Knockturn Alley is indeed a dark and damp place, but it's narrow as well. The brick walls reach up indefinitely above, like twin versions of the Tower of Babel. Lily puts a hand up against the rough, wet brick. The two walls have been built close together, and there's barely enough room for two people to walk side by side.

The alleyway is lit only by the flickering candles and lanterns placed in shop windowsills. Lily walks slowly down the path, taking in everything, fingertips brushing against the right wall as though she's scared that she'll lose her way in this claustrophobic place.

The main path breaks off into even smaller pathways everywhere, but Lily keeps on walking straight ahead. She glances down some of the other directions, but it's all dark and she can't see down them beyond a foot or two.

Most of the stores have been built into the wall, but sometimes Lily spots an alcove where she can see a flicker of light indicating an open shop – but often, there is only darkness. Knockturn Alley has a bad reputation because of its association with Dark Magic, and it's no secret, even growing up so many years after the war, that the alley took a serious financial blow after so many of the Pure-blood supremacist owners were tried and sentenced to Azkaban.

It's one thing to hear about it, but it's quite another to see the impact. Lily passes shop after shop with dark storefronts and boarded-up windows. A pale ice blue shudders down her spine as she takes in the outline of these abandoned stores. She knows most of the owners must have been bad men, but she feels a dull purple ebb coat her heart nonetheless. Surely, some of the men must not have been evil but must still have suffered bankruptcy – burned by association, by the unfortunate decision of their shop's location.

Eventually, the brick walls separate further, each spreading in opposite directions, until Lily sees the parallel structures finally curve around and meet once again, kissing ahead of her. The large and open space of what Lily suspects must have once been a marketplace is disorienting after the cramped path Lily has been walking. She spots a few boarded-up storefronts along the curved walls, but the center of the cul-de-sac is nothing but large, empty dirt ground.

Only one store is still in business, and Lily slowly makes her way to it. It's located near the end of the circular square, and when she approaches the doors left ajar a warm gust of wind washes over her. Peeking into the room, Lily spots a long counter at the far end, and rows of tables scattered throughout. She smells roasting chicken, and hears the euphoric orange and pink shouting of people having a good time. It's a tavern. There aren't many taverns left in Wizarding Britain anymore. There's the Hog's Head Inn in Hogsmeade, but it's a greasy, depressing place where only old people go to reminisce. The Leaky Cauldron used to be one, apparently, but Lily only knows it as the convivial pub Neville and Hannah have turned it into.

Lily feels a magnetic pull towards this place and she's almost tempted to walk right in. She knows this strange and delicate mood she's feeling will be ruined if she does, though, that she'll stick out like a squib at an O.W.L. exam. Slowly, she backs away from the door before anyone spots her.

Lily feels different as she takes in the empty marketplace once more, her back to the tavern now – it's a deep purple that warms her toes and relaxes the muscles in her face. A flickering of light catches Lily's eyes, and she looks at one of the stores she'd passed by earlier. The sign above the store reads, "Borgin and Burkes."

Still holding that feeling close to her, Lily makes her way over to the store and pushes the door open. A bell jingles when Lily walks in, and two customers turn their heads her way only look away again disinterestedly.

Lily ducks right between two mountains of odd-looking items: a two-legged chair; what looks to be a stuffed baby acromantula, which is still as big as Lily; a collection of white porcelain dishes propped up on a seemingly unsteady shelf; and so much more. The place is a real mess of knickknacks. The far wall has been transformed into one continuous shelf containing smaller items. Lily has her eyes on a peculiar-looking shoe when a voice startles her.

"That item is over 300 years old."

The stranger has thick, light brown hair that's been combed over to the left side while the right side has been buzzed short. His cheeks have deep pock marks in them, contributing to a mean look which is only intensified by his height and square shoulders. Despite the scarring and intimidating look, however, Lily's second thought is that he's not actually that bad looking. He has long eyelashes and deep brown eyes. His right ear has two piercings in it, and he has a pair of sunglasses – an uncommon item in the Wizarding world – propped up on his head. He's dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt despite the heat, although the fabric looks thin enough. He doesn't look like the owner of the store or even a worker, but Lily hates judging people based on their appearances.

"I'm not looking to buy."

The guy shrugs. "Couldn't care less. I don't work here."

He's kind of smiling at her, a tilted upwards slant on the right corner of his mouth. He crosses his arms over his chest, and for a few seconds they stare at each other silently.

"An item's wealth is in its history, you know? How can you know if Lopin's Shoe really is worth its 567 Galleons price tag if you don't know anything about it?"

Lily can't tell if he's trying to hit on her or if he's just an incredibly strange person with no qualms about starting up bizarre conversations with complete strangers. Lily doesn't think it's the former, but then again, she wouldn't know even if he was putting some weird moves on her. She's only ever been with Scorpius, and that had just happened. It's not like she'd needed to read any signs.

Still, it's unnerving. Normal people usually avoid Lily like a Dark curse; her strange appearance really sets them off. This guy, though, is half-smiling, half-frowning at her, and Lily suspects the frown has nothing to do with her looks but more because she doesn't know anything about this old, musty shoe.

"It's a shoe," Lily answers. "I wouldn't spend that much money on it even if I knew anything about it."

The half-smile disappears. "It's not about the money or that it's a shoe. It's about History. The story behind it. Someone one day will pay that much for this, maybe even more. Doesn't that make you wonder why?"

The purple feeling's all but disappeared now, and Lily starts feeling a grayish-white, a color that starts from the outside of her skin and pushes in, nearly absorbing her entire body until she can't breathe. She doesn't think this guy is all-there. Maybe he's one of those mentally unstable people parents usually keep locked up in their attics. She wishes she'd told Scorpius where she'd gone.

"Not particularly…" Lily wonders if he'll notice if she starts inching backwards slowly.

He clicks his tongue. "How can you live with all your ignorance?"

Thick black flames of anger shoots through Lily, overtaking the uneasy cloud of gray. Who the hell does this guy think he is? "Hey, man, screw you and your stupid old shoe. How far is _that_ going to get you in life, anyway, unless you're a fucking cobbler?"

He shakes his head, completely unperturbed by Lily's outburst, as though he hasn't just insulted her without knowing the first thing about her. "It's not about shoes, I said. It's about curiosity, wanting to know more, being interested… being alive."

"I'm plenty alive enough, thanks," Lily mutters. What a right jerk. What's she even doing enabling him in his bullying? She turns to leave, but she hadn't realized before that she's backed herself into a corner – behind her is the wall, and to her right is a big pile of junk. The asshole is blocking her only way out.

"Are you, though?" He's uncrossed his arms, and now he's holding out his hands like he's cradling an invisible globe. "How much do you know? I mean, _really_ know?"

Lily feels her mouth drooping open, and she hurries to close it and gather her composure. "I know not to lecture total strangers, for one. Who the bloody hell are you to just come up to me and start talking to me like this, huh? You've got some serious problems."

He just smirks, but steps aside, just enough so that Lily can squeeze past him and the shelf to get by.

"Just think about it," he adds, when Lily's formed a perfect line between the shelf and his body. She presses up against the shelf as much as she can so that she doesn't have to brush against him.

"I'd rather not," she snaps, keeping her eyes on the floor. Her heart is slamming against her chest and she's scared that he's going to follow her out of the store, pull her into one of those dark side paths, and murder her or something.

Thankfully, he doesn't, and Lily runs all the way back to Diagon Alley, where the sunlight burns her retinas and she has to close her eyes until they've adapted to the brightness again.

Lily makes a beeline for Flourish and Blotts; it hasn't quite been an hour, but Lily hopes Scorpius and his co-worker have found what they needed because she's ready to head home.

She finds the two heads bent over a book in the Law Reference section, with four other books stacked and levitated behind them.

"Hey."

They look up, slightly startled, but Lily notices how the girl's eyes widen in a way that's more than just surprise. Lily straightens out her shoulders and lifts up her chin.

"Find what you're looking for?"

Scorpius smiles. "Just about. Um, Eva this is Lily. Lily, Eva."

"Pleasure." Eva smiles, but Lily doesn't miss how her eyes flicker from Lily's head to her shoes and then back up again.

"I'm sure." Eva is gorgeous, even Lily will admit that. She has long eyelashes, and long brown hair tied up in a neat ponytail; her complexion is perfect, with not a blemish on her face, and she's wearing subtle make-up, and has long legs and a nice, white smile. She looks sweet. Lily wishes she'd just waited outside after all.

She turns back to Scorpius. "So?"

"Give us another quick five minutes? We might have something here." Scorpius lifts up the book he's holding and Lily rolls her eyes.

"Fine. I'll wait for you outside then." Lily shoots Eva a quick smile. The two of them look good standing there together. Scorpius is only just a little bit taller than her. Their bodies would fit perfectly together, like one of those Muggle jigsaw puzzles.

Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour is right across the street from the bookstore, so Lily heads over to buy some ice cream and takes a seat out on their patio so she can spot Scorpius as soon as he comes out. She gets her favorite black raspberry ice cream in a cone, and vanilla fudge in a cup with a cold spell placed on it so that it won't melt for Scorpius.

Lily finishes her ice cream in ten minutes, and still no Scorpius. She brings her feet up onto the seat so that she can rest her chin on her knees and stares at Scorpius' ice cream.

After another fifteen minutes have passed, Lily begins to feel foolish for having bought him anything in the first place and eats his ice cream.

Lily draws the line at forty minutes. She has half a mind to storm back into Flourish and Blotts and give Scorpius a piece of her mind, but she would hate to give Eva the satisfaction of thinking her a crazed loony. She can just imagine what the woman must have thought after seeing her in the first place: just what is a straight-laced, smart, and good-looking guy like Scorpius doing hanging out with someone like Lily?

Instead, Lily pulls out her wand and Apparates back to Malfoy Manor.

* * *

The Malfoys have the most impressive library Lily's ever seen. She's willing to bet all of her savings that their collection beats even the one at Hogwarts. Although Lily has only ever entered the library on a handful of occasions – to study with Scorpius back when she still kind of cared about her grades – the Malfoys have developed a great cataloguing system and locating-spell, so that even Lily can find any book without too much difficulty.

After a few trial and errors, Lily finds the book she's looking for: a historical text which includes a passage on Lopin's Shoe.

Lily's never been a big reader, having difficulties concentrating on the small print, but she feels strangely determined as she sits down in one of the many comfy armchairs.

It takes Lily a while to get through the three passages which detail the events that led to be known as Lopin's Shoe, but it turns out to be a rather interesting story. According to this history book, Lopin was a Muggle in the early 1700s, shortly after the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy had been instated, who went around freeing Witches and Wizards being persecuted by Muggles. No evidence points to Lopin having any Wizarding background, and yet the story goes that Lopin earned himself an infamous reputation in his part of Northern England for going around freeing convicted Witches and Wizards before their trials could take place. It got so bad that finally a huge bounty was put on his head and everyone began hunting for him instead of magical folk. Eventually, a mob caught up with Lopin and they didn't go easy on him – torture and mutilation, apparently, although the book is sceptical of these accounts, since his body was in fact never found. All that was found of him was his shoe.

Lily closes the book and runs her finger across the cover. It's an old book with engravings of vines around the front and back cover. She doesn't know how she feels about the story – little black and white cubes vibrate inside of her at such high frequencies that they repeatedly bump into each other. The ending feels so inconclusive. Why does the book not go on to relate the events that happened after Lopin's Shoe was found? Why was there no mention of the Witches and Wizards Lopin saved from certain painful death? Why did they not show their gratitude by placing a protective or untraceable spell around him? Or some sort of tracking spell on him so they would know if he was in trouble?

Lily presses her palms against her eyes. Screw the guy in the store. So she isn't ignorant anymore, but she certainly doesn't feel any better for it. If anything, she's angry at her people for their selfish ingratitude. But, at the same time, why help the very people who are persecuting you? Lopin may have only saved them because he thought torture was wrong, and not necessarily because he accepted or liked Wizarding folk. Who is Lily to know, when the book provides no insight on the matter? And who's to know if he had even been killed – no body had been found, after all…

Lily's head hurts, and the black and white cubes vibrate even faster. She thinks that maybe being ignorant wasn't so bad after all.

The door to the library opens, and Lily watches as Scorpius walks in. She looks down at her book, pretending she hasn't noticed him.

"I looked for you everywhere." He sounds angry.

"I waited for you for nearly an hour." Lily traces the vine on the book cover and doesn't look up.

"I was working. You could have said you'd be going."

"Yeah, well you could have said you'd be longer," Lily snaps, looking up now. She remembers the ice cream and feels stupid all over again, a solid square of red with pulsating edges.

Scorpius' facial muscles relax and his eyes soften. He looks down at the book. "What are you reading?"

He doesn't sound surprised, but Lily knows the library must have been the last room in the house he thought to check.

"Lopin's story. Do you know it?"

"Of course, doesn't everyone?"

More of the red square inside of her starts to pulse; she's bordering on embarrassed now. "I didn't."

"We studied him briefly in History of Magic. Don't you remember?"

"Is that a class I took as well?" Lily tries to joke, but Scorpius' frowning at her now like he wants to say something but knows better. "Anyway, I bumped into someone in Knockturn Alley and we talked about it." Lily frowns. "Actually, he kind of yelled at me about it."

"What? Knockturn Alley? What were you doing there? Who did you talk to? You really shouldn't go there by yourself, Lils, that's-"

"Relax! God, you're like an old man." Lily stands and spells the book away. Telling Scorpius about Knockturn Alley wasn't something she'd planned on. It just slipped out. "And I don't know. He was just some random guy in the store. He started lecturing me about being ignorant. I didn't think to ask his name. He was an asshole."

"I wish you wouldn't talk to strangers."

Sometimes, Scorpius sounds too much like Ginny and Lily can't stand that. She doesn't want or need a second mother, she just wants a friend. But Lily knows how protective and cautious Scorpius can be. Like with her mother, Lily knows better than to try and defend herself. At these times, Lily chooses to either ignore him or change the subject. "So, you got your work done? Are we still good to go out tonight, or are you seeing Eva again?"

"Were you jealous?" Scorpius grins suddenly, and Lily wishes she hadn't put the book away already so that she could chuck it at him now.

"Hardly. I don't care. She looks stuck up, anyway."

Scorpius stops smiling. "She isn't. She's a good co-worker, and she really knows her stuff."

"That's so great."

"Don't be like that. I don't like her that way."

"All right, fine, whatever. Your life, you know." Lily glances at the clock pendulum near the door. It's almost four o'clock. It's still too early to go out, but in a couple of hours they can head to a pub for some pre-drinking.

"You got anything in mind for dinner?" Lily asks, before Scorpius can push the subject of Eva.

For a second, Lily is scared that Scorpius isn't going to let her off the hook, but finally he sighs and turns to head for the door.

"Not really. What are you in the mood for? I'll cook."

Lily grins. Vigie isn't a half-bad cook, but it's certainly not her specialty and Scorpius' meals are always the best.

"Spaghetti with meat sauce!"


	5. Chapter 5

**[a/n] I'm so sorry I've made you all wait for so long for such a short chapter! I'm really trying to get back in the groove of writing regularly, but it's so hard. For the time being, I'm going to aim at trying to publish one chapter a week starting next week, on Saturdays. So next update should be Saturday April 25th. Once I get some backstock chapters written, I'll try and update on a more regular basis. [a/n]**

* * *

They go to their usual club, MW² which stands for Muggles, Witches and Wizards, but no one ever calls it that anymore. It was founded shortly after the war in homage to the outcome: a nightclub that embraces everyone. In Lily's mind, maybe including _every_one isn't the brilliant idea it may have once been. Some pretty sleazy people show up on a regular basis, since the place doesn't ID, and they rarely kick anyone out, even if fights break out or people start vomiting all over the floor.

Lily doesn't know if is the dilapidated atmosphere is what the owner was going for when he created the place, or if he's too gone into drugs and alcohol to care anymore. Regardless, Lily likes the place for the same reason she's disgusted by it at times: nobody puts on airs here. They do what they like, and no one looks at them sideways if they make a scene. Everyone's goal in here is the same, after all: drink, dance, score. It's the epitome of debauchery.

Lily doesn't hook up because she's always with Scorpius, and he's too protective of her; he refuses to let her do anything she may regret while under his watch. Sometimes, Lily thinks she wouldn't mind a random encounter, but not enough to alienate Scorpius. So instead, she drinks, and she can drink a lot.

"You should pace yourself," Scorpius shouts at her over the loud music. He's still nursing his first drink, Lily can see. Despite her rather high tolerance for alcohol, Lily feels the succession of shots she's just had going to her head already.

When she's really drunk, Lily's favorite thing to do is dance. She makes her way to the dance floor, closes her eyes, and then it's like the music enters her body and the rhythm and harmony take over her mind. It's only during those times, when she's so drunk she can't even walk straight, that her body comes together and all her limbs seem to cooperate, to flow to the music's soul.

With closed eyes, Lily can see the music's colors: flashes of purple electrical guitar, the orange beating of the drums and the yellow thumping bass line. The shades are never the same, but she can recognize each instrument solely by its color. Sometimes, everything swirls together and she's lost in her own visual orchestra; other times, the colors slow down, even when it's a fast song, and she'll dance to the off-beats that everyone ignores. She never knows how it's going to be until she's in the moment, but she loves the way her body just knows what to do. It's one of those rare moments where Lily feels like she can do something right.

Guys stay away from her because they think she's on drugs and respect her trance. Those that try and have their way are quickly disappointed by Lily's total lack of participation; she doesn't even open her eyes or say anything, just keeps dancing and doesn't even calculate them into her body's movements. Thrown off by her indifference, they usually slink away, dejected.

This is how it usually goes: he'll come along and press his body flush up against hers. He won't ask for permission, he'll just slide in with her, perfectly in synch with her movements like he was watching her and counting the right time to come in at. Lily will let him, and they'll move together, his breath growing hotter and faster against her neck; she'll grip the empty belt loops on his jeans and let him tilt her face upwards and kiss her. His fingers are always soft and gentle against her jaw. They'll dance and kiss and sometimes they'll stop kissing, but never stop dancing.

Scorpius tastes green. There's never any green in her music, so Lily always knows it's him.

When the music stops, or when Lily's buzz runs out, they'll stop dancing and go home. They'll get into bed and Scorpius will pull her close against his chest like he always does. They'll fall asleep and never mention it ever happened.

That's usually how it always goes. But not tonight.

Tonight, Lily just isn't feeling up to it. She watches the dance floor from far away through the hazy gaze of booze. She's feeling the buzz, but her eyes seem pasted open, and if she can't close her eyes she can't dance. Instead, she feels like a fool standing by the bar, watching others letting themselves go. The musical instruments send pulses of color through her, but tonight the colors clash with her mood: the black and white vibrating cubes are back.

How can one not even be in the mood for their safe haven? Isn't that what it's meant for, to forget about how shitty you feel and think of nothing else? But Lily's not in the mood to think of nothing else. All she can think about is how she's never going back to Hogwarts, how she's going to be stuck in this place forever, and of Lopin's stupid shoe. Why did no one save him?

Lily ignores Scorpius' disapproving stare when she turns back toward the bar and orders another drink. He doesn't say anything though, only stands beside her awkwardly, sipping from his first drink while she drinks another two. She doesn't pace herself, and it isn't long before the hazy disorientation turns into something more disagreeable.

Scorpius leans in again. "Do you want to dance?"

Lily looks over at him and can feel the muscles tighten in her face. They've never done it this way before. It's always been anonymous; a secret they harbored together, pretending they hadn't let the other in on it a long time ago.

She shakes her head. "I need to go the washroom." The sickness has started to migrate down to her throat: a slow buildup of thick muddy blackish-brown.

Walls of bodies obstruct Lily's way, and for a moment she's afraid she's not going to make it. She does, though, and as soon as she steps into a stall the sick feeling goes away. The washroom smells like piss, and that should help her hurl but it doesn't. Lily waits to make sure that it's not a false alarm, but a pounding on the stall door forces her to step back out. She splashes water on her face and drinks some, putting her mouth right under the faucet. The spinning in her head subsides; maybe she wasn't as drunk as she thought.

Eventually, she's pressed to move away from the sink as well, so she heads back out into the club, ready to find Scorpius and tell him she's not up to dancing tonight and why don't they just head home, when a guy deliberately steps into her path. All she can see at first are his muscular arms and the dark lines on them. They're just swirls, and she can't see the color in the dark light. It takes her a moment to realize they're tattoos.

"Want to dance, gorgeous?"

Lily finally looks up at his face. She recognizes him by his hair. "You're the guy from Knockturn Alley!"

He smirks at her, but it looks more like a sneer. He's wearing a button-up shirt and jeans. He looks classy and Lily feels a bit underdressed in her loose tunic top and black Capri's.

"I read up on Lopin's Shoe," Lily yells back at him, because she wants him to stop sneering. She kind of wants him to be impressed. He can't hear her, though, so Lily has to lean forward and repeat herself in his ear.

"Ah, so you do have some curiosity, after all. There may be hope for you yet."

Lily half-shrugs, but his breath sends icy orange shivers down her spine. "Hope for what?"

"Who are you here with?"

Is it a loaded question, or just genuine curiosity? Lily can't pin him down. She goes for detached hostility with a side of sarcasm as a safe bet. "Why? Are you planning on dragging me away and raping me?"

He laughs in her ear. "Aren't you a morbid one? I was just curious."

"You're big on the curious thing, aren't you?" Lily likes the way he brushes off her hostility. A part of her hopes he'll ask her to dance again. She thinks she'll say yes. Now that she's feeling level-headed again, Lily doesn't know if she can call on the magical powers of intoxication to charm her way through such a situation, but she doesn't want to be her same awkward self either. She wants to flirt. She wants to dance with her eyes open.

He pulls back a bit, grinning at her now, a big toothy smile. He doesn't look as mean as before. Lily can feel a rush of orange energy taking over her.

"Only the dead are uninterested," he replies. Part of his voice is carried away by the music, but Lily hears him before the vowels and consonant completely float away. It's the look he gives her, though, that makes Lily swallow thickly. She doesn't know this man at all, but she can tell from his eyes and the set of his mouth that he thinks she's uninterested in life and it scares her. She doesn't want to be dead. She wants to live. That's all she's ever wanted; to be herself, interested in her own things, to have her own life.

"I feel dead all the time," Lily says, but she doesn't think he hears her. She speaks softly, and the music swallows her confession.

He's leaned in again. Lily hasn't noticed, but he's stepped in closer and pressed their bodies flush together. Tilting her head back to keep eye contact, Lily thinks he looks dangerous again. He's not smiling anymore, and there's an intensity in his eyes that grounds Lily. He leans in, and Lily's heart stutters and she lets out a small gasp. But he doesn't kiss her. Instead, his lips brush her ear as he whispers, "I can make you feel alive."

Something breaks inside of her. Lily can feel it, but what is it? Excitement? Arousal? Her mouth is dry and her mind unusually blank. She wants to tell him to do it. She's ready.

Instead, she's yanked backwards away from the warm body. It's Scorpius, a hand closed tightly around her forearm. He's pulled Lily behind him, leaning forward toward the guy like he's about to attack.

"Whoa, whoa." The guy backs up, arms bent, palms raised. "I thought you said you were alone?"

"I never said," Lily mutters to herself, since now the guy is too far away to hear her. She shakes her arm and Scorpius looks back at her, finally releasing his grip. She shoots Scorpius an angry look as she steps around him.

"He's a friend."

"I see…" The guy looks up over Lily's shoulder at Scorpius, smirking now. "Well, I see your friend doesn't like me talking to you. Tell you what, why don't you and I get in touch soon?" His eyes look Scorpius up and down. "Without your chaperone." He takes Lily's arm and pulls something out of his back pocket. Lily recognizes it: a ballpoint pen, a Muggle object. She expects it to be charmed, or something magical, but when he writes on her skin it writes like a normal pen. The ink instantly dries and sinks into her skin. It's just a normal, plain old Muggle pen.

She looks down at her arm. He's only written a name – his name? "How should I get in touch with you?" Lily asks, thrown off by the Muggle object.

He looks at her like she's crazy. "By owl, of course. I'm not a heathen." He steps back away from her, returning the pen to his pocket. "Be hearing from you." He winks at her, nods to Scorpius, and walks back towards the dance floor.

"Do you know who that is?" Scorpius is at her side instantly. He's looking at her curiously. Jealously?

Lily shrugs. "No." Her arm still feels warm from where the guy was holding it, while her other arm throbs painfully from Scorpius' grip. She doesn't feel like explaining everything to him. She knows he wouldn't understand anyway.

"Let's just go home."


End file.
